it is my strongly held belief that babies are awful by design. they're horrible, loud, and emit unpleasant matter from every single orifice at all times so that when it stops being a baby you're so relieved that you love the resulting child more

and of course any lesser parents have gone insane and left their children to be raised by more worthy wolves

you're only REAL trans if you walk the blasted wastes for a thousand years, losing yourself in the shiftless, formless tides of sand, where in the Eroding One sleeps, appropriately unbound from our perception of form and permanence, and beg it to change your flesh prison

what it sounds like when other dumb girls wake up: [cute yawning, birds chirping just outside, blankets rustling]

what it sounds like when i wake up: [rocks tumbling, distant crashes, screaming as ash billows into the sky]

oh i can see the light starting to bleed through my blinds. okay goodnight

i think once a golf tournament's down to the last few people the ones who aren't swinging ought to be allowed to stand out on the fairway with tennis racquets and try to hit the ball back

@BDA you'd better be careful muscling in on my golf toot territory mother fucker. especially if you're funnier than i am which you seem to be. this isn't as threatening as i hoped it would be

tumblr has the right idea, blocking all skin tones. we should Abolish Skin.

think about it. we have transcended so many unnecessary boundaries. there is one left, the one which keeps our squishy red bits inside! our squishy red bits are TRAPPED and tumblr is rightfully denouncing the jailer. abolish skin! abolish skin!

i can jump, but only once. my leg bones will unfurl like springs and then they will never return to normal

i boost my own toots because listen, i've got a limited amount of funny points to spend in this lifetime, and by god i'm going to stretch them as far as they'll fucking go

idea: golf but with wrestling theatrics

some dude's doing a golf and he hits the ball real good but then at the other end of the field tiger woods dramatically emerges from the trees and catches the ball right before it lands in the hole

and then he just like dramatically vogues across the entire playing field towards the players, and when he finally gets there he's out of breath and can barely trash talk

and listen, if you remember nothing else from the depthless chambers of wisdom i've offered you, know this:

we are all bugs crawling on Gods Ass. goodnight

i feel like the only time i'm funny is the 1 hour immediately before i go to bed. the Bitching Hour, if you will. which means the only way for me to build my Mastodon Brand ,which is definitely a thing i have, is to completely ruin my sleep schedule so that my final hour of consciousness aligns with the peak hours so that i can spite the MAXIMUM number of people

@lennie that's the funniest post i've ever made and will ever made and it will forever languish as a reply

listen buddy, i pay five united states dollars per month to keep this instance up, i am paying MONEY to deliver you people this content

that's $5 worth of SPITE

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Glyph's Oubliette

This is the place we all sent Glyph.